For as long as I can remember, I could see only pictures in my head. Images however vague but images nonetheless. It's probably why I enjoyed my maths and physics more in school when compared to history or geography. You have to see a formula to know where to go. You gotta draw lines and arrows and forces to know that they're there. But with words.. to me, one is just the same as the next. And how I envy people who can string those letters up to express themselves so easy. They can just tell people what they think and they tell 'em so well too... while I can only draw them out hoping that they get it.

I've always had stories to tell but I can never tell them well. I stumble over my words and I lose the meaning of my stories so easily as i tell them. I pick the wrong words.. I stutter.. I make last minute changes to them and fall all over the place. So bad sometimes that I just go;

"uh.. nevermind.. it's nothing.."

But in my head.. I see some really cool pictures. So vivid the colors. And so beautiful the light. And i can't find the right words to describe the sounds, the scents and the feel I see. Everything makes so much sense in there that I get so frustrated with myself sometimes when I can't show them to others. I remember just storming off while talking to my mum when i fail miserably to explain to her what I was talking about. My friends in school who I just gave up on when they couldn't see what I saw. It seems like such a talent to be able to just say something and people look at you so agreeably. Is that even a word? agreeably?

I've been trying to come up with a short-film since forever but most of the time failing to finish.. or even begin. I only see shots. Random scenes. An angle. The way the shadows are in a room. Hints of greens and blues on a given shot. But the moment I try to write them down, it gets lost in-between the letters. I have moments where i can only hear a dialogue. But again when written, I come face to face with myself.. fighting over what words to choose or if it's the right one. It looks so different on paper. How do i write colors? or the shape of the clouds in the background? how do I explain the character of an actor's wrinkly look? a chase scene? nothing comes out right. so I try to draw them out.. I try. but by then, the moment's passed. And It annoys the hell out of me.

Sometimes even when I'm in a conversation and I'm in the position to respond to something, I hear it in my head.. I see it all before I could even open my mouth and when I'm about to.. a phantom suddenly kicks in and I'm stopped over fearing I might jumble all my words up and end up lookin' like a fool. There are few people that I'm so comfortable with that I can let go of that fear. Not that I'm not gonna stumble over my words with them but because it just doesn't matter if do. I speak so freely and I screw up but i just move on and somehow.. for whatever reason.. they understand. and I'm glad for the few i know.

but still.. if i can just tell it to them better..
but i can't. i suck.