behind cloudy mornings.
So i haven't found a colon that i could do battle with but i have other things goin' on in my life that's a hec of a lot more significant. They can bring me the most joy and some could break me in half and make me just stare at my shoes..
Lets start with the joy part. She said yes!! just as i was about to leave the room, she took out her hand and asked; "do you wanna see how my finger is?". she'd cut it a few days before and refused my age old remedy to stop the bleeding. but since then it's been my excuse to hold her. But that day, she offered her hand and with a little nod, she said; "yes.. i wanna give it a try..". if i wasn't so macho, i think i would've folded at my knees and dropped right down like a sack of rice. things had been really good since. I can be all mushy here and tell you everything from how i feel and how much i feel it when i'm around her and how much i want to be around her. but i think i'll keep the mush for special occasions. lol
on that same day.. i got a call from my mom telling me how weak my grandma is and that she's been admitted to the ICU at the local hospital. we rushed down to Muar that same night and stayed by my grandma through out. I only went to sleep at around 3am but had to leave at 6 again the next morning for the 200-over kilometer drive back to work. Later that evening i picked up my brother from NUS and rushed back down to Muar.. i didn't sleep since till saturday night. but an hour after my first real sleep in days.. my sister woke me up and told us to rush to the hospital again. i got there.. all of us were there. 20 minutes later, with me right next to her, my grandma gave her last breath and peacefully left. i've miss her.. and i keep getting this strange feeling like she's still here. Even now.. for raya.. i kinda expect her to still be in her bed sleeping.. clouded in the smell of her hand-rolled tobacco cigarettes..
raya..
this has to be the most dull raya ever.. it used to be my grandma that brought everyone over to the house and now that she's gone, no one hardly visit. we didn't do the things we usually do for raya.. no bandung, no stories, no home-made kuehs, my mom didn't bake her cakes, we only did half the usual amount of ketupats, the colorfoul lights outside weren't switched on.. and i didn't get to take my gramma out to see the city lights like we usually do every eve of raya since i got my driver's license. no one sleeps in her bed. it all just feels empty.
i'm driving up to KL tmr to meet my dad.. then after that a really really long drive back up to Singapore to send my brother back to school. 2nd day of Raya.. jams are sure to happen and super long ones too. I keep hearing ambulances rushing past the house.. i hope the roads will be kind to us tmr.
Lets start with the joy part. She said yes!! just as i was about to leave the room, she took out her hand and asked; "do you wanna see how my finger is?". she'd cut it a few days before and refused my age old remedy to stop the bleeding. but since then it's been my excuse to hold her. But that day, she offered her hand and with a little nod, she said; "yes.. i wanna give it a try..". if i wasn't so macho, i think i would've folded at my knees and dropped right down like a sack of rice. things had been really good since. I can be all mushy here and tell you everything from how i feel and how much i feel it when i'm around her and how much i want to be around her. but i think i'll keep the mush for special occasions. lol
on that same day.. i got a call from my mom telling me how weak my grandma is and that she's been admitted to the ICU at the local hospital. we rushed down to Muar that same night and stayed by my grandma through out. I only went to sleep at around 3am but had to leave at 6 again the next morning for the 200-over kilometer drive back to work. Later that evening i picked up my brother from NUS and rushed back down to Muar.. i didn't sleep since till saturday night. but an hour after my first real sleep in days.. my sister woke me up and told us to rush to the hospital again. i got there.. all of us were there. 20 minutes later, with me right next to her, my grandma gave her last breath and peacefully left. i've miss her.. and i keep getting this strange feeling like she's still here. Even now.. for raya.. i kinda expect her to still be in her bed sleeping.. clouded in the smell of her hand-rolled tobacco cigarettes..
raya..
this has to be the most dull raya ever.. it used to be my grandma that brought everyone over to the house and now that she's gone, no one hardly visit. we didn't do the things we usually do for raya.. no bandung, no stories, no home-made kuehs, my mom didn't bake her cakes, we only did half the usual amount of ketupats, the colorfoul lights outside weren't switched on.. and i didn't get to take my gramma out to see the city lights like we usually do every eve of raya since i got my driver's license. no one sleeps in her bed. it all just feels empty.
i'm driving up to KL tmr to meet my dad.. then after that a really really long drive back up to Singapore to send my brother back to school. 2nd day of Raya.. jams are sure to happen and super long ones too. I keep hearing ambulances rushing past the house.. i hope the roads will be kind to us tmr.
